Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You're like the curious george of whores
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
