wanna go halves on a baby?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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