I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
