Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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