she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
