he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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