Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
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Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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