people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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