Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
