her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
