Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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