my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
