All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
