I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
