Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
