I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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