god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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