she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
