Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
