if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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