Your mouth is God's brothel.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
