Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
