My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
