Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize