Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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