What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
