can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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