I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
