If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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