My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
