so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
