My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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