so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
