did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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