I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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