I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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