You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
