i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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