shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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