My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
