she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
