I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
