I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
