Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
