Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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