Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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