I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
