her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
