In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
