Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
