It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
