party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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