i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
