Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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