And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
