i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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