im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize