my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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