May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
