No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
