I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
