I just threw up on my dentist
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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