I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
