i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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