so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
