you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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