If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
