god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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