She is in my trunk
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
