Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
